What better time to reflect than when you are lying in bed with too much time on your hands. Time you rather spend doing other things like being active, or in my case working…but I like what I do so I can’t be the example for everyone because not everyone is as crazy as me. So I have a few things to get off not only my chest but my heart and my spirit. Since I’ve graduated college I reflect at the end of every year. Did I do what I said I would do? Did I better myself in even the smallest way? Did I take that trip? I ask myself these things now more than ever because at the end of 2017 I dealt with lost. And if you are one of those people who think “new year, new me” is silly then here is why I think you should reconsider.
What did I lose? First, was who I thought was the person I would the rest of my life with. This man who I’ve come to be neutral about where; some days I still like him and some days I’m really petty and smirk at the fact that he’s not getting paid by the government shut down. But why? Because this is part of the test of bettering myself. If I didn’t feel these very natural feelings then I wouldn’t be learning anything at all. I’ve argued with this man now months after our breakup, we’ve called each other names, I’ve even judged the new girlfriend because at the time it made me feel better, but it didn’t make me better. The fact is I loved that person and I was dealing with lost. And honestly, I’m still dealing with that lost. That was the first time I loved, in my own way, whole-heartedly and it failed. That doesn’t mean I stop loving all together but I definitely need a break. I’m working on my bravery to tell you the full details of this love story but that’s for another day. What I’m taking into my 2018 year is learning that I will love again but we do lose it sometimes.
“This man who I’ve come to be neutral about where; some days I still like him and some days I’m really petty and smirk at the fact that he’s not getting paid by the government shut down.”
The second and most devastating lost of my 2017 was the passing of my grandmother. You really want to see your life take a hit, try being heartbroken then losing someone that was really meaningful. To say my Nana helped me and loved me like no other is an understatement. It was almost like when things were tough or I had questions about what I was doing and where I was going in life….she called. Whether it was the answer to her cross word puzzle, her trying to fuss at my mom about something random or her sending a birthday card to my same address I’ve had the past four birthdays, it was like she just felt me needing her. Yesterday I found the last birthday card she sent me with the quarter and two pennies in it and that made me realize my other lost wasn’t so big. I cried and cried and am still currently crying thinking about it. We get those few people in our lives that give that genuine, unconditional love where a card with a few coins in it turn our whole world right side up because it was from them. That was the love where I knew even if I never did anything right for the rest of my life I knew she would always be there to support me no matter what. What I’m taking into my 2018 year is that that kind of love will stay with you a lifetime even when that person is gone.
“We get those few people in our lives that give that genuine, unconditional love where a card with a few coins in it turn our whole world right side up because it was from them.”
So now what? What do you do now when you’ve loved and lost and lost a loved one. Well, honestly, I don’t know. I’ve had days when I didn’t want to get out of bed, and didn’t. I’ve had days where I’ve smiled this huge genuine smile and meant it. But since the close of 2017 where I dealt with my relationship ending and my Nana passing I couldn’t tell you how I what my emotions would be like in the next day or even the next hour. I do know that it’s shaping my 2018 to go for what I want. I want to love again when it’s right and I want to honor my Nana by living each day, good or bad, with a purpose.
“You’re smiling different, you are loving different, you are working different.
YOU are different.”
When you lose anything, even small, you reflect on it. How did I lose it? Was it important? How do I recover from that lost? I went through all those questions and many more to say that I am a different person. How could I not change? Every small detail changes you so even when you think you are doing your same routine every year, you’re not. You’re smiling different, you are loving different, you are working different. YOU are different. Love, lost and life go hand in hand. Whether we love forever or not that’s life. And experiencing lost is hard part of life but that too is still life. The next time you go through any of these things, even if its a bad investment or losing a dollar, I challenge you to think of how that ultimately changed you and what you think now and moving forward.